I asked My Dear a few times on the train, ” Have I done the right thing? ”
He had no answer for me.
After a few rounds of SMSes here and there, someone messaged me again to ask me go for a gathering this Sunday.
Baobao’s birthday celebrations notwithstanding, like I’ve said before, I have no wish to re-establish contact. I had trailed off from the message threads after one or two replies, hoping the message will get through. But it’s come again….
I wrote an email to say, ” It is over between, let’s leave the past where it is. Send them all my regards.”
Frankly, on a superficial level, I really have nothing so major against them to want to keep off now. It’s only that we have been apart for so long now, our lives have taken off differently. It’s weird to meet again and pretend nothing had happened before.
They cannot accept that if I already gotten over it, why not just go back to before.. I also dunno how to explain myself. Whether I am still holding some grudges despite trying to convince myself otherwise, or just plainly not interested. I can only use this to describe how I feel – Like a mirror, once broken, even if you put the pieces back together, it will never be the same again.
In that incident, to put it really solemnly, I had seen how my friend had chosen to act in her own self interest at crunch time. It was a good test and I saw what she chose. It was ugly, bad memories. It was not life and death, but she chose her own interest over mine. Everything was said there and then. The trust was breached. Going back to being friends? How will I ever trust she will consider me in a conflict of interest again ? Give ourselves another chance? No ,too hurt.
I’ve always been into untying knots, life must not be a heck of a big knot. Dun get myself more and more messed up as the knots get more and more tangled. But like Twinsmom had said once in her blog, some knots are meant to be ….. you dun want to untie them all until the last ones. I would even go further to say, some knots define us.
Right or wrong, I’m just following my heart.