Now I know I had promised to complain less. BUT I have had it UP to my neck with my breastfeeding and had blogged about this post a million times in my head. I swear I want to convince half the women in the world NOT to breastfeed if they can.
OK, that was just for effect. You know, Me. ET. Usual. Exaggerating.
As if Twinsmom had invented breastfeeding, I’ve done little but complain to her each time we are on the phone. As if she owes me an explanation why this is so complaint-shiok experience.
Twinsmom had told me, in order for it to work, you have to keep thinking that you want to do it, you love your child, you are doing it for her/his good and you’ll succeed. Don’t believe her.
In the beginning of my bf experience this time, I was cursing and swearing every step.
“Hey, why drip huh?”
” Ouch, not enough milk. Meimei’s sucking is going to grind my nipples flat. Painfoooool!!!”
“It’s so hot in here. I’m so tired. When is she done?”
“Damn, my breasts feel so full I think I’m gonna burst. ”
“STOP dripping already, I’m wetting my 3rd t-shirt for the day! ”
“Hey, I topple the milk collection shell. Right, thanks, now my shirt’s all wet. – erm AGAIN”
” Meimei, stop pulling away, it’s spraying all over!!!!”\
But despite all these complaints, my milk production goes on an overdrive. As at now, even as I type, I’m still dripping.. (Irritating!!) See? Complain and curse but still succeed.
It’s very tiring. Maybe there’s something I did not do right, but my girl can be on the breast from 6pm to 10 pm okay on some days. Until she shiok shiok. Then go to sleep. It’s VERY tiring. Sometimes I’m so tired I want to cry. Because there’s just NO WAY out. She’s been on the breast so long she forgot how to use the bottle. So no one else can feed her now. Even if I want to revert back to bottle, it’s gonna take some screaming and yelling. SO I have to endure. And blame it on my opaque breast, I couldn’t make out when it’ empty or still half full.
But despite being so tiring, somehow I will press on. It’s just not about liking to do it, or feeling vindictive that because I failed the first time, I must do it the second. Or that I believe breastmilk is best. It’s just some kind of very primitive urge. Logically, I hated it. But naturally, I just DID it for the sake of doing it. All my reasons said hey, if can’t make it, nevermind,use formula milk. But I just pressed on no matter what.
Each time I complain, my Dear says ” Then stop and use formula.” I just shut up. Why? I don’t know.
However, there are benefits to breastfeeding which I enjoy. I have to say I do enjoy the convenience so much when we’ re going out. No need to lug around milk powder/hot water/milk bottles. And we have saved quite abit of money from buying milk powder too. What with all that Sanlu scare, it’s the peace of mind that’s most important.
And I do enjoy holding her close sometimes and watching her suck away like a little mouse. She’d suck suck suck with her little big eyes darting around like she was stealing those milk. Funny to watch. Then there’s when she’d suck so desperately that she makes “waya waya waya” sounds on the breast. So funny.
Not all feeds are peaceful and euphoric like the breastfeeding buffs want you to believe. Many times she’d arch her neck and pull at it so hard like she wants to detach my breast from my chest. And then lean so hard on my arm until they hurt I just dun understand why. Some feeds can feel very stressful.
Mostly – it’s tiring. I mean
I have lots and lots more to say since it’s my first experience. Stop here first.