By here, I mean my mind. It’s been one of those periods I’m going bonkers. Probably all because of the stock market and the silver future I bought.
AND, as my etsy stock level is going low, I was re-ordering, that also added to my white hairssss. I’m having SO MANY things up to my neck I feel like I’m going crazy soon.
I was to
- Update meimei’s immunisation record to the Health Promotion Board.
- Was told she had missed one of the shots and to take her to the doctor for that shot.
- PC up all day to keep an eye on silver price.
- Check and arrange for my supplies shipment.
- Enrol Baobao with wushu class.
- Call insurance company to include Meimei for free health coverage and make sure to sign and send out those forms.
- liase with IRAS for some of our tax matters for past years.
- Answer some Etsy messages/sale.
- Reshuffle my share holdings.
Here are the websites I visit daily on my “Common Use” Bar
I still need to
- Renew Baobao’s passport..
- Rethink my own insurance coverage.
- Renew my broadband contract
- Pay my broadband bills.
Do you know I need to sit before the pc for so long each day to handle my admin stuffs?
All these while having to do the normal housework of making breakfast, lunch, dinner, floors, laundry, dusting, watering plants ( all these chores only non-children related). Children include feeding meimei, bathing them, make milk for meimei, help her to the toilet, pour water or get snacks for them, cut their nails, cut meimei’s hair, get them to brush teeth, tell bedtime stories.
My SAHM friend from my opposite block sometimes sees me and reminds me to take care of my looks. She said I should dye my white hair and take care of my dressing. Who dunno mother is woman? But since she kindly reminds me, sometimes I try to fit in some diy facials or cut my own fringe or hair.
And aside from their normal daily needs, the children have some health problems lately. Baobao’s chest infection is giving him some heavy feeling on the chest while Meimei’s been fussing these two days after her polio booster shot.
I’m writing ALL THESE down because if I keep them upstairs I will go CRAZY.
I hate it, HATE that sometimes come to the end of the day, the quality time I spend with my children are those before bedtime when I read them stories. While I am with them the whole day, I can only manage small scattered pockets of time to spend with them. And they are ruthless with this, their need for my company is limitless, so I have to watch for myself not to overspend time with them cause I have other chores to do. And to fight that guilt when I need to go do those chores and leave them playing by themselves.
And chores are ALOT. They don’t end.
Guilt striken, I blamed myself for taking on too much, at the expense of time with children. But I have noticed, and confirmed that even without etsy and the stock market, I don’t have even time to do everything in a day. All the chores and tending to the children.
So here are the 5 main areas:-
- Home admin
- stock market
ranked in order of importance/legitimacy. I’m saying if I take away 3-5, I still won’t have enough time to do everything I need to do. And what happens is this ok, you pass by the bathroom for the 5th time in the day and think to yourself hey, how come I STILL have not time to cleaned the toilet, even though you have wanted to do it when you were there the 2nd time in the day. For eg again, you see that piece of rag lying besides the toilet bowl for the nth time in the day and think to yourself,”why is it still there when I had wanted to soaked it since this morning?”
I used to be guilty about not having done the chore when I looked again, only later realised it wasn’t on purpose or due to laziness, I am just too busy!
I can of course wind down etsy. which I’m glad I can. While I need to constantly tend the store in order to grow it, I have to let it sit there and s-l-o-w-l-y grow it. even though I’m enthusiastic about it, I just dun have the time to do it, and in my life, it’s a low priority right now. Not totally by choice, no. 1 and 2 just won’t let up.
Why do I have to make my life difficult since I can’t fit it in? Well, etsy is my idea of returning to work some day. To be in the creative business selling gsomething. I have to do this in order that by the time the children are older and I am less relevant in the house, I’ll have some experience under my belt. Knowhows dun happen over night so I have to start small and slow somewhere. That’s the reason why admist all the madness, I still want to keep up with this piece of my life even though slow and small.
How about stock market? Well, I can probably extend my lifespan a couple of months if I stay away. But the market is moving now! This is when money is to be made. If not wait till it crashes or stable, one will not be able to make much! Eg, the silver contract nearly gave me 6k in 10 days. The price corrected lower later and I gave back some profit and made less, but it was not a small sum either. thousands. So, wanna make or not? Sorry, I very money faced. Housewife where got so much chance to make money, want to 卖 also no market.
What if I make a lot of money and can outsource my tedious house and children chores out? I imagined if I have a million dollars and regular good income what I would outsource. I can think of having a hourly paid house cleaner to come help with the chores, or put the children in part time daycare so that I get some time off to do my stuffs. Foodwise, I dun know any vendor that can supply healthy food regularly. Those tingkat foods are oily and not well-cooked. In terms of caring for the family, my own cooking, even though half-hearted, is still better than outside. Not in terms of taste, but to me, that mommy’s hand in cooking is just irreplaceable (maybe only replaceable by my mom or MIL). Homecooked food is love and health, period.
My angst is I want to do all things for my family, but also have a strong urge for my self actualisation needs. It’s not easily suppressed even though I know and have decided my priorities are as above.
And I do not have time for everything.
So all in, and all my excuses presented – that’s how I ended up with a crazy mind lately. I’m not complaining, just want to pour out the mess in my head. Aside from blogging, I’m craving for some time to make some handicraft now, just to tame all these madness in my head.
Some old friends have called up and asked if wanna meet up. I just simply can’t find the time to do so right now.