Do I qualify as a filing clerk? 🙂
Just spent the afternoon springcleaning my files. Hubby has been doing the filing recently. I felt a sense of insecurity when I had to ask him where to find our marriage certificate. So while I was out at Popular Bookshop just now, I took the time to pick up some clear folders. I had images in my mind how our filing shelves will be lined with professional, clean-looking files.
It’s mind-boggling going through the documents and I know why I don’t do it often. What a headache?! If only most of them fall into pretty and distinct categories, but as reality would have it, of course not! There were many many bits and pieces of papers that just don’t seem to belong anywhere.
That’s not the depressing part really. Having been a housewife for 3 years, I’ve long accepted the reality :- that life’s just a whole big array of fragmented and normally non-related or badly-related things that defy categorisation. Fine.
It was me going through my schooling transcripts. The pre-U and university results. They were so unimpressive. I can’t remember what, something that happened recently also brought me back to those university days and I am reminded of how badly, maybe not so bad, but how mediocre I have been all through those years.
The thing was I never realised i was that mediocre. I kept having the impression that I was good, just not getting it yet…like YET.
Then I looked back through my career years and also see that I have nothing to show for it. It’s true. I am mediocre.
It would have been ok to be mediocre. But it’s hard because, all the while, I didn’t think I was. So it’s the acceptance part.
But back to the transcript. I am filled with angst. What really was the purpose of all the exams and pitting against each other when we were in school? What the result slips told me were really this, “You are not good enough.”
I hate my uni days you know, I really do. It was a period that tells me I am not good for anything. Granted, I was in one of the top schools – my scoolmates have mostly gone on to become auditors/managers/consultants highflyers etc. (let’s not elaborate, blueh) Once I take myself back to those days, I get thrown back to the habit of comparing and the feeling of being left behind or having under-achieved. In that world, one’s worth is always measured against how much he has achieved in his career. period.
No matter how I have grown now, being confident, being loved, and knowing my value of existence is not diminished by not having achieved anything in my career. There will always be a small part of me who feels small for not having done well academically.
So, I eyed the stack of result slips with disgust, thinking of destroying them. Well, not in a vindictive sort of way, but really, to me, I really do not need them now. “Do I need a few pieces of paper to prove my industry experience/capabilities?” (very proud – obvious signs of inferiority complex, swinging abruptly between arrogance and inferiority. lol) Then I suddenly was jolted back to sanity and remember that one day if I need to go back to work again, I will still need them. It doesn’t matter what I feel about myself. If I need a job out there, I will still need to show people proof.
So guai guai, file back. Except they were not filed into the spanking new files but returned to those old, discoloured folders. blueh!*扮鬼脸*
Maybe it’s all so painful because they were proof of how inadequate I am. even now. Maybe that’s why it’s still so painful to look. These, plus some of my files on soapmaking, harden my resolve to make my etsy endeavour a successful one. I must at least prove to myself that I have left that era of my life far behind me.